Report: In Hawaii, $500K salary now considered ‘broke as a joke’

A doctor waiting in the welfare line in Honolulu, Hawaii.

HONOLULU, HI — A new report states that having a $500K salary in Hawaii will now consider you being “broke as a joke” according to spokeswoman Pua Ann Lusingum of The American Association of Fabricators.

“Five hundred thousand dollars really doesn’t get you much anymore in Hawaii”, she said, “these poor people are now broke as a joke!”

With the average rent for a studio apartment being at $3000 per month, and the minimum price for a gallon of milk at $21, the study seems to be right inline with what is happening in Hawaii.

Mayor Kirk Caldwell and Governor Ige could not be reached at this time for comment being that they are STILL battling it out in a stalemate game of Jan Ken Po.

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State Says ‘Cool’ New Wind Turbines Will Benefit All Waianae Residents

WAIANAE, OAHU, HAWAII — State officials in Hawaii released information on a new proposed wind turbine solution for not only Oahu residents, but most importantly, the people of Waianae on Oahu’s west side of the island.

32 new wind turbines will be erected behind the Makaha Towers along the Waianae Mountain Range.

“We feel the new turbines will benefit the people of the west side because it will serve as giant cooling fans, instead of damaging the land and eco-system.” Says Natu Bright, executive director of Decision Makers Hawaii. He continues, “This will also help with all their pent up frustration and stress caused by the extreme heat and humidity which is notoriously associated with Waianae. We feel it would be a ‘win-wind’ situation for everybody.”

When we caught up with Mayor Kirk Caldwell and Hawaii Governor David Ige for comment, they both responded by playing a game of Jan Ken Po to decide who was gonna answer our questions and they both lost. (Note: At the time of publishing this article, they were both still going, playing and choosing scissors the whole time.)

This all comes at the same time protests are being held against current wind turbines and outside companies trying to attempt to build more stupid windmills.

Check in daily for the best fake news from Hawaii only from The Massive Mango!

Strip Club Shooter Can’t Figure Out How He Missed Targets

HONOLULU — The suspect in a shooting incident at Club Hot Ash in Aiea found himself dazed and confused after missing his intended targets.

Chris Hong was overheard by police officers as saying, “I cannot believe I didn’t hit any of them! They was right in front of me $#*@!”.

Samson Anzai (left) and Chris Hong (right) (Image: Honolulu Police Department)

Police records show Hong and 34-year-old Samson Anzai got into a fight with another group outside of the strip club on July 10.

Hong allegedly pulled out a gun, because he apparently has no fighting skills, and fired several shots and missed all 28 shots.

Police caught up to the suspects at Ka Makana Alii Mall in Kapolei after a high speed chase.

Hong is currently in police custody at The Hawaii Eye Clinic for obvious reasons.

Governor Ige Responds to Trump Tweet: ‘Brah No Be Talking Heavy’

HONOLULU — Hawaii Governor David Ige responded to a deleted tweet by President Donald Trump that went viral yesterday online.

The governor really let his pidgin language shine throughout his tweet bringing up an apparent previous encounter with Trump at a Big Island nightclub, “I not da one who had to call da cops
when I was choking you out!”.

Ige’s tweet, like President Trump’s tweet was also deleted. Here is the screenshot of Ige’s response.

When we reached out to the governor’s office, the phone lines were totally busy for some reason.

Read President Trump’s deleted tweet to Ige here: https://themassivemango.com/2019/07/22/trump-calls-out-hawaii-governor-we-can-meet-up/

Check in daily for the best fake news from Hawaii only from The Massive Mango.

Trump Calls Out Hawaii Governor: ‘We Can Meet Up’

WASHINGTON — President Trump had some fiery words for the Governor of Hawaii, David Ige today in response to the democrat’s handling of the situation brewing in Hawaii concerning the building of a thirty meter telescope, often refered to as TMT.

The president took to Twitter to call out the confused governor tweeting:

“If I was in Hawaii I would go up to the Mauna and stand with the Hawaiian people! David Ige showing how weak he is by not showing up! What do they need the telescopes for anyway??? They’ve been mastering the stars for CENTURIES! Hey Kermit, we can meet up and BANG anytime. Meet up at Uncle Mikey’s parking lot, if it’s still there”.

The tweet has since been deleted and Governor Ige has not responded, something he is quite known for.

Keep up to date with more of your favorite fake news from Hawaii at http://www.themassivemango.com

And yes, we’re back! =)

Ex USC Coach To Be Hired By McKinley Tigers

HONOLULU, OAHU, HI — McKinley High School insiders say former disgraced University of Southern California coach, Steve Sarkisian, will be hired as their new junior varsity and varsity football team’s head coach for the coming 2016 season.

“We are looking forward to an amazing turnaround season with this experienced and proven winner,” said Hope Weakenwin, who is head of the Tigers Moms For A Better Ball Club Association. “We have interviewed a few candidates and (Sarkisian) was our best pick.”

With the latest hiring of ex University of Hawaii head coach June Jones to Kapolei last week, this comes as an interesting situation in Hawaii high school sports.

“We figured if they can do it, we can do it”, said a source close to the administration. “Plus all he wanted as compensation was two cases of beer and a bottle of Jack Daniels per week, what a great deal!”

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In 2015, Sarkisian was at the center of a scandal involving use of alcohol and being intoxicated while coaching. He had also been in an incident where he mixed alcohol with medication before a booster event and made a drunken and profanity-laced speech at the event.

Sarkisian assures us that, “Those days are definitely behind me and I’m ready to get this program in tip top form for the upcoming season.”

The Tigers forfeited their last two games last season due to a dwindling roster, going winless and averaging just 2 points on offense and giving up 45 points per game on defense.

McKinley will be participating in the OIA’s Division II for the 2016 and 2017 football seasons.

The Obamas Drink And Cruise Up At Tantalus Lookout

HONOLULU, HAWAII — The President and first lady were seen Tuesday night having drinks and playing loud music through their SUV up at a popular lookout point in Honolulu.

Witnesses say they had a large entourage up at Tantalus Lookout dancing and partying like they were in college. “President Obama and his wife were acting like they were in a club or something”, said Paul Smiyabru, a resident of Tantalus Drive, he continued “we even seen him throwing up what appeared to be gang signs and yelling out ‘WESTSIDE’ at the top of his lungs.”

Another witness, who wanted to remain anonymous said the president was playing 50 Cent’s ‘In Da Club’ on repeat for an entire hour before letting Michelle control the music. “Michele played more old school music which was cool with us” said another resident.

Police were called at around 11PM responding to a disturbing the peace complaint. HPD say when they arrived at the lookout the Obamas were already gone, and left behind four empty Old English 800 bottles. Police say they are not going to pursue this matter any further because he is the quote: “Top dawg in our country and no one got hurt”.

The Obamas are here in Hawaii for their annual Christmas vacation.