Author Archives: The Massive Mango

North Shore Shrimp Trucks To Sue Customers Who Tagged Their Vehicles

HALE’IWA, OAHU, HAWAII — Shrimp truck owners voted unanimously to press charges and sue past and present customers who have tagged/wrote on their vehicles with permanent markers, citing, “at first it was somewhat of a novelty thing to do, but now it’s just getting down right out of hand” said one business owner who wanted to remain anonymous.

“The graffiti and writing is not only an eyesore, but it could also be a reason we are seeing a decline in customers” he continued, “We are going forward with suing these people so we can make up for losses.”

The business group said they have over 1 million names written on their trucks and are hiring forensic scientists to track down said vandals.

“It’s gonna cost us a few hundred thousand dollars, but the settlements will be very lucrative” said Aina Buhleedis, owner of Aina’s Scrimp and Cereal Truck. She also added, “We are happy to announce that we have also teamed up with the nation’s top handwriting analysts.”

The owners suggest that if you have written on their trucks in the past, that you have a 30 day grace period from today to scrub and/or erase your name(s) or you can send them a check or money order for $5.45 if you are in Hawaii, or $7.25 if you are out of state.

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Coconut Fight Erupts In Westside Traffic; 2 Injured

NĀNĀKULI, OAHU, HAWAII — Road rage has taken an unusual tone on the west side Wednesday morning when an all out coconut fight took place during the morning commute.

Traffic was at a stand still in the town bound direction on Farrington Highway fronting Sack N Save when witnesses say a man in a white flatbed truck started lobbing unhusked coconuts at unsuspecting vehicles.

“I just saw this old dude get out of his truck, reach in the back and start launching coconuts at all the cars”, said Jansen Kahalewai, who was a few cars behind the irate driver. “Bruddah was losing it” he continued, “Another Bruddah hopped out of his car and started throwing the coconuts back at him, was kind of like they was playing dodgeball but only they were using coconuts instead of red rubber balls.”

Authorities say 2 people were injured during the melee and were treated at the scene.

Police arrested 44 year old Kona P. Soa of Mākaha on two counts of assault and criminal property damage.

Traffic in the area has been linked to temper tantrums, stress and beatdowns handed out by residents of the Wai’anae Coast for years.

Photo credit: Pablo Sato

Ronda Rousey To Study Private Boxing In Hawaii

Ronda MM

RIVERSIDE, CALIFORNIA — Mixed martial artist Ronda Rousey has announced she will commit seventy percent of her training time to boxing.

The depressed starlet said to a close source, “I need to get my stand up game together.” She continued, “And the best place to do it is in Hawaii.”

The source did not reveal what boxing club or MMA association she will train with, but an insider close to the fighter’s handlers say they are thinking about training with a “reputable and world renowned” boxing club located in West Oahu.

This decision is coming off of a knockout loss to Holly Holm in UFC 193 on Nov. 14.

“I couldn’t feel my face after (Holm) caught me with a straight right… the whole fight all I could think about is ‘Why haven’t I worked harder on my knuckle game?’ I can’t wait to get to Hawaii and learn from the natives. I mean, that’s all they know… straight up banging!”

The source also disclosed that Rousey is even offering to “double-leg” the Governor while she’s there in the islands.

Feral Chickens To Be Used For Cockfighting Fundraisers

ANAHOLA, KAUA’I, HI — County officials on Kaua’i island have voted 30 – 0 on a measure to gather up feral chickens to be used in cockfighting fundraisers.

“We have finally came up with a solution to our island’s pesky feral chicken problem” said Wren Bredge of Problem Solvers of Kaua’i (P.B.K.). “We’ve been battling with the county for the past seven years to come up with ways to alleviate the island’s on going chicken infestation, and this seems to be the best way to get the ball rolling.”

Kaua’i has been dealing with an ongoing feral chicken problem ever since 1992 when Hurricane ‘Iniki came through and destroyed many chicken farms thus setting free multitudes of captive fowl.

“It was amazing that (the chickens) would actually come up to us and not even show fear” said Kylee Kanae of Kapa’a. “But now it’s just too crazy, they are even attacking people now. One of them even sent my brother to the hospital with scars all over his shins!”

The idea to use feral chickens for cockfighting fundraisers were spearheaded by Jayson Asuncion, an expert knife tie-er in several of Hawaii’s cockfighting derbies. Asuncion says “by killing off these animals in the ring, we are not only getting rid of the problem but are also going to be able to raise funds for the less fortunate.” He continues,”The losing birds would also be used to feed the hungry, it’s a win, win, win situation”.

Cockfighting fundraisers will go in effect next April 2016.