Category Archives: Hawaii news

State Says ‘Cool’ New Wind Turbines Will Benefit All Waianae Residents

WAIANAE, OAHU, HAWAII — State officials in Hawaii released information on a new proposed wind turbine solution for not only Oahu residents, but most importantly, the people of Waianae on Oahu’s west side of the island.

32 new wind turbines will be erected behind the Makaha Towers along the Waianae Mountain Range.

“We feel the new turbines will benefit the people of the west side because it will serve as giant cooling fans, instead of damaging the land and eco-system.” Says Natu Bright, executive director of Decision Makers Hawaii. He continues, “This will also help with all their pent up frustration and stress caused by the extreme heat and humidity which is notoriously associated with Waianae. We feel it would be a ‘win-wind’ situation for everybody.”

When we caught up with Mayor Kirk Caldwell and Hawaii Governor David Ige for comment, they both responded by playing a game of Jan Ken Po to decide who was gonna answer our questions and they both lost. (Note: At the time of publishing this article, they were both still going, playing and choosing scissors the whole time.)

This all comes at the same time protests are being held against current wind turbines and outside companies trying to attempt to build more stupid windmills.

Check in daily for the best fake news from Hawaii only from The Massive Mango!

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Trump Calls Out Hawaii Governor: ‘We Can Meet Up’

WASHINGTON — President Trump had some fiery words for the Governor of Hawaii, David Ige today in response to the democrat’s handling of the situation brewing in Hawaii concerning the building of a thirty meter telescope, often refered to as TMT.

The president took to Twitter to call out the confused governor tweeting:

“If I was in Hawaii I would go up to the Mauna and stand with the Hawaiian people! David Ige showing how weak he is by not showing up! What do they need the telescopes for anyway??? They’ve been mastering the stars for CENTURIES! Hey Kermit, we can meet up and BANG anytime. Meet up at Uncle Mikey’s parking lot, if it’s still there”.

The tweet has since been deleted and Governor Ige has not responded, something he is quite known for.

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The Obamas Drink And Cruise Up At Tantalus Lookout

HONOLULU, HAWAII — The President and first lady were seen Tuesday night having drinks and playing loud music through their SUV up at a popular lookout point in Honolulu.

Witnesses say they had a large entourage up at Tantalus Lookout dancing and partying like they were in college. “President Obama and his wife were acting like they were in a club or something”, said Paul Smiyabru, a resident of Tantalus Drive, he continued “we even seen him throwing up what appeared to be gang signs and yelling out ‘WESTSIDE’ at the top of his lungs.”

Another witness, who wanted to remain anonymous said the president was playing 50 Cent’s ‘In Da Club’ on repeat for an entire hour before letting Michelle control the music. “Michele played more old school music which was cool with us” said another resident.

Police were called at around 11PM responding to a disturbing the peace complaint. HPD say when they arrived at the lookout the Obamas were already gone, and left behind four empty Old English 800 bottles. Police say they are not going to pursue this matter any further because he is the quote: “Top dawg in our country and no one got hurt”.

The Obamas are here in Hawaii for their annual Christmas vacation.

Yellow Section Of Aloha Stadium To Be Removed

HALAWA, OAHU, HAWAII — The state and UH say they will eliminate the entire yellow sections of the Aloha Stadium starting January 2016.

The decision comes after record low attendance during the 2015 football season.

“It was a really sad sight to see the stadium so empty this year”, says Don Kendonets, VP of public relations. He continued, “We had an emergency meeting and came up with the only feasible solution.”

That solution according to Kendonets, is to have the top level seating areas removed during the off season, to make the stadium look more populated during UH football games.

“I think that’s an awesome idea” said Ikaika Gouveia of Ewa Beach, “At least now on TV going look like get choke people!” Juan Mobere of Kaneohe disagrees by adding, “Really? How da heck they gonna do that?”

Officials say they are going with demolition specialists to start the tedious work of removing the section by the start of the 2016 football season.

The work will eliminate 22,000 seats and the need to keep seats oiled and maintained, saving the state 6.2 Million dollars for the coming year.

Kendonets concludes by saying, “This is going to be awesome for new coach Nick Rolovich, to have his team play in front of a packed house.”

North Shore Shrimp Trucks To Sue Customers Who Tagged Their Vehicles

HALE’IWA, OAHU, HAWAII — Shrimp truck owners voted unanimously to press charges and sue past and present customers who have tagged/wrote on their vehicles with permanent markers, citing, “at first it was somewhat of a novelty thing to do, but now it’s just getting down right out of hand” said one business owner who wanted to remain anonymous.

“The graffiti and writing is not only an eyesore, but it could also be a reason we are seeing a decline in customers” he continued, “We are going forward with suing these people so we can make up for losses.”

The business group said they have over 1 million names written on their trucks and are hiring forensic scientists to track down said vandals.

“It’s gonna cost us a few hundred thousand dollars, but the settlements will be very lucrative” said Aina Buhleedis, owner of Aina’s Scrimp and Cereal Truck. She also added, “We are happy to announce that we have also teamed up with the nation’s top handwriting analysts.”

The owners suggest that if you have written on their trucks in the past, that you have a 30 day grace period from today to scrub and/or erase your name(s) or you can send them a check or money order for $5.45 if you are in Hawaii, or $7.25 if you are out of state.

Coconut Fight Erupts In Westside Traffic; 2 Injured

NĀNĀKULI, OAHU, HAWAII — Road rage has taken an unusual tone on the west side Wednesday morning when an all out coconut fight took place during the morning commute.

Traffic was at a stand still in the town bound direction on Farrington Highway fronting Sack N Save when witnesses say a man in a white flatbed truck started lobbing unhusked coconuts at unsuspecting vehicles.

“I just saw this old dude get out of his truck, reach in the back and start launching coconuts at all the cars”, said Jansen Kahalewai, who was a few cars behind the irate driver. “Bruddah was losing it” he continued, “Another Bruddah hopped out of his car and started throwing the coconuts back at him, was kind of like they was playing dodgeball but only they were using coconuts instead of red rubber balls.”

Authorities say 2 people were injured during the melee and were treated at the scene.

Police arrested 44 year old Kona P. Soa of Mākaha on two counts of assault and criminal property damage.

Traffic in the area has been linked to temper tantrums, stress and beatdowns handed out by residents of the Wai’anae Coast for years.

Photo credit: Pablo Sato

Ronda Rousey To Study Private Boxing In Hawaii

Ronda MM

RIVERSIDE, CALIFORNIA — Mixed martial artist Ronda Rousey has announced she will commit seventy percent of her training time to boxing.

The depressed starlet said to a close source, “I need to get my stand up game together.” She continued, “And the best place to do it is in Hawaii.”

The source did not reveal what boxing club or MMA association she will train with, but an insider close to the fighter’s handlers say they are thinking about training with a “reputable and world renowned” boxing club located in West Oahu.

This decision is coming off of a knockout loss to Holly Holm in UFC 193 on Nov. 14.

“I couldn’t feel my face after (Holm) caught me with a straight right… the whole fight all I could think about is ‘Why haven’t I worked harder on my knuckle game?’ I can’t wait to get to Hawaii and learn from the natives. I mean, that’s all they know… straight up banging!”

The source also disclosed that Rousey is even offering to “double-leg” the Governor while she’s there in the islands.