Category Archives: Sports

Ex USC Coach To Be Hired By McKinley Tigers

HONOLULU, OAHU, HI — McKinley High School insiders say former disgraced University of Southern California coach, Steve Sarkisian, will be hired as their new junior varsity and varsity football team’s head coach for the coming 2016 season.

“We are looking forward to an amazing turnaround season with this experienced and proven winner,” said Hope Weakenwin, who is head of the Tigers Moms For A Better Ball Club Association. “We have interviewed a few candidates and (Sarkisian) was our best pick.”

With the latest hiring of ex University of Hawaii head coach June Jones to Kapolei last week, this comes as an interesting situation in Hawaii high school sports.

“We figured if they can do it, we can do it”, said a source close to the administration. “Plus all he wanted as compensation was two cases of beer and a bottle of Jack Daniels per week, what a great deal!”

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In 2015, Sarkisian was at the center of a scandal involving use of alcohol and being intoxicated while coaching. He had also been in an incident where he mixed alcohol with medication before a booster event and made a drunken and profanity-laced speech at the event.

Sarkisian assures us that, “Those days are definitely behind me and I’m ready to get this program in tip top form for the upcoming season.”

The Tigers forfeited their last two games last season due to a dwindling roster, going winless and averaging just 2 points on offense and giving up 45 points per game on defense.

McKinley will be participating in the OIA’s Division II for the 2016 and 2017 football seasons.

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Yellow Section Of Aloha Stadium To Be Removed

HALAWA, OAHU, HAWAII — The state and UH say they will eliminate the entire yellow sections of the Aloha Stadium starting January 2016.

The decision comes after record low attendance during the 2015 football season.

“It was a really sad sight to see the stadium so empty this year”, says Don Kendonets, VP of public relations. He continued, “We had an emergency meeting and came up with the only feasible solution.”

That solution according to Kendonets, is to have the top level seating areas removed during the off season, to make the stadium look more populated during UH football games.

“I think that’s an awesome idea” said Ikaika Gouveia of Ewa Beach, “At least now on TV going look like get choke people!” Juan Mobere of Kaneohe disagrees by adding, “Really? How da heck they gonna do that?”

Officials say they are going with demolition specialists to start the tedious work of removing the section by the start of the 2016 football season.

The work will eliminate 22,000 seats and the need to keep seats oiled and maintained, saving the state 6.2 Million dollars for the coming year.

Kendonets concludes by saying, “This is going to be awesome for new coach Nick Rolovich, to have his team play in front of a packed house.”

Ronda Rousey To Study Private Boxing In Hawaii

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RIVERSIDE, CALIFORNIA — Mixed martial artist Ronda Rousey has announced she will commit seventy percent of her training time to boxing.

The depressed starlet said to a close source, “I need to get my stand up game together.” She continued, “And the best place to do it is in Hawaii.”

The source did not reveal what boxing club or MMA association she will train with, but an insider close to the fighter’s handlers say they are thinking about training with a “reputable and world renowned” boxing club located in West Oahu.

This decision is coming off of a knockout loss to Holly Holm in UFC 193 on Nov. 14.

“I couldn’t feel my face after (Holm) caught me with a straight right… the whole fight all I could think about is ‘Why haven’t I worked harder on my knuckle game?’ I can’t wait to get to Hawaii and learn from the natives. I mean, that’s all they know… straight up banging!”

The source also disclosed that Rousey is even offering to “double-leg” the Governor while she’s there in the islands.