HONOLULU, HI — A new report states that having a $500K salary in Hawaii will now consider you being “broke as a joke” according to spokeswoman Pua Ann Lusingum of The American Association of Fabricators.
“Five hundred thousand dollars really doesn’t get you much anymore in Hawaii”, she said, “these poor people are now broke as a joke!”
With the average rent for a studio apartment being at $3000 per month, and the minimum price for a gallon of milk at $21, the study seems to be right inline with what is happening in Hawaii.
Mayor Kirk Caldwell and Governor Ige could not be reached at this time for comment being that they are STILL battling it out in a stalemate game of Jan Ken Po.
WAIANAE, OAHU, HAWAII — State officials in Hawaii released information on a new proposed wind turbine solution for not only Oahu residents, but most importantly, the people of Waianae on Oahu’s west side of the island.
“We feel the new turbines will benefit the people of the west side because it will serve as giant cooling fans, instead of damaging the land and eco-system.” Says Natu Bright, executive director of Decision Makers Hawaii. He continues, “This will also help with all their pent up frustration and stress caused by the extreme heat and humidity which is notoriously associated with Waianae. We feel it would be a ‘win-wind’ situation for everybody.”
When we caught up with Mayor Kirk Caldwell and Hawaii Governor David Ige for comment, they both responded by playing a game of Jan Ken Po to decide who was gonna answer our questions and they both lost. (Note: At the time of publishing this article, they were both still going, playing and choosing scissors the whole time.)
This all comes at the same time protests are being held against current wind turbines and outside companies trying to attempt to build more stupid windmills.
Check in daily for the best fake news from Hawaii only from The Massive Mango!
HONOLULU — Hawaii Governor David Ige responded to a deleted tweet by President Donald Trump that went viral yesterday online.
The governor really let his pidgin language shine throughout his tweet bringing up an apparent previous encounter with Trump at a Big Island nightclub, “I not da one who had to call da cops when I was choking you out!”.
Ige’s tweet, like President Trump’s tweet was also deleted. Here is the screenshot of Ige’s response.
When we reached out to the governor’s office, the phone lines were totally busy for some reason.
WASHINGTON — President Trump had some fiery words for the Governor of Hawaii, David Ige today in response to the democrat’s handling of the situation brewing in Hawaii concerning the building of a thirty meter telescope, often refered to as TMT.
The president took to Twitter to call out the confused governor tweeting:
“If I was in Hawaii I would go up to the Mauna and stand with the Hawaiian people! David Ige showing how weak he is by not showing up! What do they need the telescopes for anyway??? They’ve been mastering the stars for CENTURIES! Hey Kermit, we can meet up and BANG anytime. Meet up at Uncle Mikey’s parking lot, if it’s still there”.
The tweet has since been deleted and Governor Ige has not responded, something he is quite known for.
KALAELOA, OAHU, HAWAII — Test results are out today revealing that truck drivers in Hawaii scored the absolute lowest in mandatory reading exams handed out by the state earlier this year.
“Out of all occupations tested, truck drivers accounted for sixty-six percent of all F grades” said Reed Daly of the Department of Adult Education, “Many of (truck drivers) had a very hard time with words like ‘the’, ‘I’ and ‘a’.”
“It was pretty hilarious because these are the very people that need to have sharp reading skills on the highways and freeways”, said head examiner Joe King, “being they would have to be able to read signs, warnings and more!”
Officials said they will be re-tested at a later date as soon as they can figure out a day where truck drivers will be the only people allowed on roads during test times.
King concluded by saying, “Safety is our primary concern on the day of their re-tests.”
HALE’IWA, OAHU, HAWAII — Shrimp truck owners voted unanimously to press charges and sue past and present customers who have tagged/wrote on their vehicles with permanent markers, citing, “at first it was somewhat of a novelty thing to do, but now it’s just getting down right out of hand” said one business owner who wanted to remain anonymous.
“The graffiti and writing is not only an eyesore, but it could also be a reason we are seeing a decline in customers” he continued, “We are going forward with suing these people so we can make up for losses.”
The business group said they have over 1 million names written on their trucks and are hiring forensic scientists to track down said vandals.
“It’s gonna cost us a few hundred thousand dollars, but the settlements will be very lucrative” said Aina Buhleedis, owner of Aina’s Scrimp and Cereal Truck. She also added, “We are happy to announce that we have also teamed up with the nation’s top handwriting analysts.”
The owners suggest that if you have written on their trucks in the past, that you have a 30 day grace period from today to scrub and/or erase your name(s) or you can send them a check or money order for $5.45 if you are in Hawaii, or $7.25 if you are out of state.
ANAHOLA, KAUA’I, HI — County officials on Kaua’i island have voted 30 – 0 on a measure to gather up feral chickens to be used in cockfighting fundraisers.
“We have finally came up with a solution to our island’s pesky feral chicken problem” said Wren Bredge of Problem Solvers of Kaua’i (P.B.K.). “We’ve been battling with the county for the past seven years to come up with ways to alleviate the island’s on going chicken infestation, and this seems to be the best way to get the ball rolling.”
Kaua’i has been dealing with an ongoing feral chicken problem ever since 1992 when Hurricane ‘Iniki came through and destroyed many chicken farms thus setting free multitudes of captive fowl.
“It was amazing that (the chickens) would actually come up to us and not even show fear” said Kylee Kanae of Kapa’a. “But now it’s just too crazy, they are even attacking people now. One of them even sent my brother to the hospital with scars all over his shins!”
The idea to use feral chickens for cockfighting fundraisers were spearheaded by Jayson Asuncion, an expert knife tie-er in several of Hawaii’s cockfighting derbies. Asuncion says “by killing off these animals in the ring, we are not only getting rid of the problem but are also going to be able to raise funds for the less fortunate.” He continues,”The losing birds would also be used to feed the hungry, it’s a win, win, win situation”.
Cockfighting fundraisers will go in effect next April 2016.