Tag Archives: Hawaii News

Report: In Hawaii, $500K salary now considered ‘broke as a joke’

A doctor waiting in the welfare line in Honolulu, Hawaii.

HONOLULU, HI — A new report states that having a $500K salary in Hawaii will now consider you being “broke as a joke” according to spokeswoman Pua Ann Lusingum of The American Association of Fabricators.

“Five hundred thousand dollars really doesn’t get you much anymore in Hawaii”, she said, “these poor people are now broke as a joke!”

With the average rent for a studio apartment being at $3000 per month, and the minimum price for a gallon of milk at $21, the study seems to be right inline with what is happening in Hawaii.

Mayor Kirk Caldwell and Governor Ige could not be reached at this time for comment being that they are STILL battling it out in a stalemate game of Jan Ken Po.

Get more incredible stories here on Hawaii’s leader for fake news. http://www.massivemango.com

If you read all the way to this sentence, you are a rockstar!

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State Says ‘Cool’ New Wind Turbines Will Benefit All Waianae Residents

WAIANAE, OAHU, HAWAII — State officials in Hawaii released information on a new proposed wind turbine solution for not only Oahu residents, but most importantly, the people of Waianae on Oahu’s west side of the island.

32 new wind turbines will be erected behind the Makaha Towers along the Waianae Mountain Range.

“We feel the new turbines will benefit the people of the west side because it will serve as giant cooling fans, instead of damaging the land and eco-system.” Says Natu Bright, executive director of Decision Makers Hawaii. He continues, “This will also help with all their pent up frustration and stress caused by the extreme heat and humidity which is notoriously associated with Waianae. We feel it would be a ‘win-wind’ situation for everybody.”

When we caught up with Mayor Kirk Caldwell and Hawaii Governor David Ige for comment, they both responded by playing a game of Jan Ken Po to decide who was gonna answer our questions and they both lost. (Note: At the time of publishing this article, they were both still going, playing and choosing scissors the whole time.)

This all comes at the same time protests are being held against current wind turbines and outside companies trying to attempt to build more stupid windmills.

Check in daily for the best fake news from Hawaii only from The Massive Mango!

Strip Club Shooter Can’t Figure Out How He Missed Targets

HONOLULU — The suspect in a shooting incident at Club Hot Ash in Aiea found himself dazed and confused after missing his intended targets.

Chris Hong was overheard by police officers as saying, “I cannot believe I didn’t hit any of them! They was right in front of me $#*@!”.

Samson Anzai (left) and Chris Hong (right) (Image: Honolulu Police Department)

Police records show Hong and 34-year-old Samson Anzai got into a fight with another group outside of the strip club on July 10.

Hong allegedly pulled out a gun, because he apparently has no fighting skills, and fired several shots and missed all 28 shots.

Police caught up to the suspects at Ka Makana Alii Mall in Kapolei after a high speed chase.

Hong is currently in police custody at The Hawaii Eye Clinic for obvious reasons.

Governor Ige Responds to Trump Tweet: ‘Brah No Be Talking Heavy’

HONOLULU — Hawaii Governor David Ige responded to a deleted tweet by President Donald Trump that went viral yesterday online.

The governor really let his pidgin language shine throughout his tweet bringing up an apparent previous encounter with Trump at a Big Island nightclub, “I not da one who had to call da cops
when I was choking you out!”.

Ige’s tweet, like President Trump’s tweet was also deleted. Here is the screenshot of Ige’s response.

When we reached out to the governor’s office, the phone lines were totally busy for some reason.

Read President Trump’s deleted tweet to Ige here: https://themassivemango.com/2019/07/22/trump-calls-out-hawaii-governor-we-can-meet-up/

Check in daily for the best fake news from Hawaii only from The Massive Mango.

Trump Calls Out Hawaii Governor: ‘We Can Meet Up’

WASHINGTON — President Trump had some fiery words for the Governor of Hawaii, David Ige today in response to the democrat’s handling of the situation brewing in Hawaii concerning the building of a thirty meter telescope, often refered to as TMT.

The president took to Twitter to call out the confused governor tweeting:

“If I was in Hawaii I would go up to the Mauna and stand with the Hawaiian people! David Ige showing how weak he is by not showing up! What do they need the telescopes for anyway??? They’ve been mastering the stars for CENTURIES! Hey Kermit, we can meet up and BANG anytime. Meet up at Uncle Mikey’s parking lot, if it’s still there”.

The tweet has since been deleted and Governor Ige has not responded, something he is quite known for.

Keep up to date with more of your favorite fake news from Hawaii at http://www.themassivemango.com

And yes, we’re back! =)

Hawaii Truck Drivers Score Lowest In Reading

KALAELOA, OAHU, HAWAII — Test results are out today revealing that truck drivers in Hawaii scored the absolute lowest in mandatory reading exams handed out by the state earlier this year.

“Out of all occupations tested, truck drivers accounted for sixty-six percent of all F grades” said Reed Daly of the Department of Adult Education, “Many of (truck drivers) had a very hard time with words like ‘the’, ‘I’ and ‘a’.”

“It was pretty hilarious because these are the very people that need to have sharp reading skills on the highways and freeways”, said head examiner Joe King, “being they would have to be able to read signs, warnings and more!”

Officials said they will be re-tested at a later date as soon as they can figure out a day where truck drivers will be the only people allowed on roads during test times.

King concluded by saying, “Safety is our primary concern on the day of their re-tests.”

Photo credit: James Abella Tio

North Shore Shrimp Trucks To Sue Customers Who Tagged Their Vehicles

HALE’IWA, OAHU, HAWAII — Shrimp truck owners voted unanimously to press charges and sue past and present customers who have tagged/wrote on their vehicles with permanent markers, citing, “at first it was somewhat of a novelty thing to do, but now it’s just getting down right out of hand” said one business owner who wanted to remain anonymous.

“The graffiti and writing is not only an eyesore, but it could also be a reason we are seeing a decline in customers” he continued, “We are going forward with suing these people so we can make up for losses.”

The business group said they have over 1 million names written on their trucks and are hiring forensic scientists to track down said vandals.

“It’s gonna cost us a few hundred thousand dollars, but the settlements will be very lucrative” said Aina Buhleedis, owner of Aina’s Scrimp and Cereal Truck. She also added, “We are happy to announce that we have also teamed up with the nation’s top handwriting analysts.”

The owners suggest that if you have written on their trucks in the past, that you have a 30 day grace period from today to scrub and/or erase your name(s) or you can send them a check or money order for $5.45 if you are in Hawaii, or $7.25 if you are out of state.