RIVERSIDE, CALIFORNIA — Mixed martial artist Ronda Rousey has announced she will commit seventy percent of her training time to boxing.
The depressed starlet said to a close source, “I need to get my stand up game together.” She continued, “And the best place to do it is in Hawaii.”
The source did not reveal what boxing club or MMA association she will train with, but an insider close to the fighter’s handlers say they are thinking about training with a “reputable and world renowned” boxing club located in West Oahu.
This decision is coming off of a knockout loss to Holly Holm in UFC 193 on Nov. 14.
“I couldn’t feel my face after (Holm) caught me with a straight right… the whole fight all I could think about is ‘Why haven’t I worked harder on my knuckle game?’ I can’t wait to get to Hawaii and learn from the natives. I mean, that’s all they know… straight up banging!”
The source also disclosed that Rousey is even offering to “double-leg” the Governor while she’s there in the islands.
ANAHOLA, KAUA’I, HI — County officials on Kaua’i island have voted 30 – 0 on a measure to gather up feral chickens to be used in cockfighting fundraisers.
“We have finally came up with a solution to our island’s pesky feral chicken problem” said Wren Bredge of Problem Solvers of Kaua’i (P.B.K.). “We’ve been battling with the county for the past seven years to come up with ways to alleviate the island’s on going chicken infestation, and this seems to be the best way to get the ball rolling.”
Kaua’i has been dealing with an ongoing feral chicken problem ever since 1992 when Hurricane ‘Iniki came through and destroyed many chicken farms thus setting free multitudes of captive fowl.
“It was amazing that (the chickens) would actually come up to us and not even show fear” said Kylee Kanae of Kapa’a. “But now it’s just too crazy, they are even attacking people now. One of them even sent my brother to the hospital with scars all over his shins!”
The idea to use feral chickens for cockfighting fundraisers were spearheaded by Jayson Asuncion, an expert knife tie-er in several of Hawaii’s cockfighting derbies. Asuncion says “by killing off these animals in the ring, we are not only getting rid of the problem but are also going to be able to raise funds for the less fortunate.” He continues,”The losing birds would also be used to feed the hungry, it’s a win, win, win situation”.
Cockfighting fundraisers will go in effect next April 2016.