Tag Archives: Massive Mango

State Says ‘Cool’ New Wind Turbines Will Benefit All Waianae Residents

WAIANAE, OAHU, HAWAII — State officials in Hawaii released information on a new proposed wind turbine solution for not only Oahu residents, but most importantly, the people of Waianae on Oahu’s west side of the island.

32 new wind turbines will be erected behind the Makaha Towers along the Waianae Mountain Range.

“We feel the new turbines will benefit the people of the west side because it will serve as giant cooling fans, instead of damaging the land and eco-system.” Says Natu Bright, executive director of Decision Makers Hawaii. He continues, “This will also help with all their pent up frustration and stress caused by the extreme heat and humidity which is notoriously associated with Waianae. We feel it would be a ‘win-wind’ situation for everybody.”

When we caught up with Mayor Kirk Caldwell and Hawaii Governor David Ige for comment, they both responded by playing a game of Jan Ken Po to decide who was gonna answer our questions and they both lost. (Note: At the time of publishing this article, they were both still going, playing and choosing scissors the whole time.)

This all comes at the same time protests are being held against current wind turbines and outside companies trying to attempt to build more stupid windmills.

Check in daily for the best fake news from Hawaii only from The Massive Mango!

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Strip Club Shooter Can’t Figure Out How He Missed Targets

HONOLULU — The suspect in a shooting incident at Club Hot Ash in Aiea found himself dazed and confused after missing his intended targets.

Chris Hong was overheard by police officers as saying, “I cannot believe I didn’t hit any of them! They was right in front of me $#*@!”.

Samson Anzai (left) and Chris Hong (right) (Image: Honolulu Police Department)

Police records show Hong and 34-year-old Samson Anzai got into a fight with another group outside of the strip club on July 10.

Hong allegedly pulled out a gun, because he apparently has no fighting skills, and fired several shots and missed all 28 shots.

Police caught up to the suspects at Ka Makana Alii Mall in Kapolei after a high speed chase.

Hong is currently in police custody at The Hawaii Eye Clinic for obvious reasons.

Trump Calls Out Hawaii Governor: ‘We Can Meet Up’

WASHINGTON — President Trump had some fiery words for the Governor of Hawaii, David Ige today in response to the democrat’s handling of the situation brewing in Hawaii concerning the building of a thirty meter telescope, often refered to as TMT.

The president took to Twitter to call out the confused governor tweeting:

“If I was in Hawaii I would go up to the Mauna and stand with the Hawaiian people! David Ige showing how weak he is by not showing up! What do they need the telescopes for anyway??? They’ve been mastering the stars for CENTURIES! Hey Kermit, we can meet up and BANG anytime. Meet up at Uncle Mikey’s parking lot, if it’s still there”.

The tweet has since been deleted and Governor Ige has not responded, something he is quite known for.

Keep up to date with more of your favorite fake news from Hawaii at http://www.themassivemango.com

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Ex USC Coach To Be Hired By McKinley Tigers

HONOLULU, OAHU, HI — McKinley High School insiders say former disgraced University of Southern California coach, Steve Sarkisian, will be hired as their new junior varsity and varsity football team’s head coach for the coming 2016 season.

“We are looking forward to an amazing turnaround season with this experienced and proven winner,” said Hope Weakenwin, who is head of the Tigers Moms For A Better Ball Club Association. “We have interviewed a few candidates and (Sarkisian) was our best pick.”

With the latest hiring of ex University of Hawaii head coach June Jones to Kapolei last week, this comes as an interesting situation in Hawaii high school sports.

“We figured if they can do it, we can do it”, said a source close to the administration. “Plus all he wanted as compensation was two cases of beer and a bottle of Jack Daniels per week, what a great deal!”

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In 2015, Sarkisian was at the center of a scandal involving use of alcohol and being intoxicated while coaching. He had also been in an incident where he mixed alcohol with medication before a booster event and made a drunken and profanity-laced speech at the event.

Sarkisian assures us that, “Those days are definitely behind me and I’m ready to get this program in tip top form for the upcoming season.”

The Tigers forfeited their last two games last season due to a dwindling roster, going winless and averaging just 2 points on offense and giving up 45 points per game on defense.

McKinley will be participating in the OIA’s Division II for the 2016 and 2017 football seasons.

Yellow Section Of Aloha Stadium To Be Removed

HALAWA, OAHU, HAWAII — The state and UH say they will eliminate the entire yellow sections of the Aloha Stadium starting January 2016.

The decision comes after record low attendance during the 2015 football season.

“It was a really sad sight to see the stadium so empty this year”, says Don Kendonets, VP of public relations. He continued, “We had an emergency meeting and came up with the only feasible solution.”

That solution according to Kendonets, is to have the top level seating areas removed during the off season, to make the stadium look more populated during UH football games.

“I think that’s an awesome idea” said Ikaika Gouveia of Ewa Beach, “At least now on TV going look like get choke people!” Juan Mobere of Kaneohe disagrees by adding, “Really? How da heck they gonna do that?”

Officials say they are going with demolition specialists to start the tedious work of removing the section by the start of the 2016 football season.

The work will eliminate 22,000 seats and the need to keep seats oiled and maintained, saving the state 6.2 Million dollars for the coming year.

Kendonets concludes by saying, “This is going to be awesome for new coach Nick Rolovich, to have his team play in front of a packed house.”

Hawaii Truck Drivers Score Lowest In Reading

KALAELOA, OAHU, HAWAII — Test results are out today revealing that truck drivers in Hawaii scored the absolute lowest in mandatory reading exams handed out by the state earlier this year.

“Out of all occupations tested, truck drivers accounted for sixty-six percent of all F grades” said Reed Daly of the Department of Adult Education, “Many of (truck drivers) had a very hard time with words like ‘the’, ‘I’ and ‘a’.”

“It was pretty hilarious because these are the very people that need to have sharp reading skills on the highways and freeways”, said head examiner Joe King, “being they would have to be able to read signs, warnings and more!”

Officials said they will be re-tested at a later date as soon as they can figure out a day where truck drivers will be the only people allowed on roads during test times.

King concluded by saying, “Safety is our primary concern on the day of their re-tests.”

Photo credit: James Abella Tio

Ronda Rousey To Study Private Boxing In Hawaii

Ronda MM

RIVERSIDE, CALIFORNIA — Mixed martial artist Ronda Rousey has announced she will commit seventy percent of her training time to boxing.

The depressed starlet said to a close source, “I need to get my stand up game together.” She continued, “And the best place to do it is in Hawaii.”

The source did not reveal what boxing club or MMA association she will train with, but an insider close to the fighter’s handlers say they are thinking about training with a “reputable and world renowned” boxing club located in West Oahu.

This decision is coming off of a knockout loss to Holly Holm in UFC 193 on Nov. 14.

“I couldn’t feel my face after (Holm) caught me with a straight right… the whole fight all I could think about is ‘Why haven’t I worked harder on my knuckle game?’ I can’t wait to get to Hawaii and learn from the natives. I mean, that’s all they know… straight up banging!”

The source also disclosed that Rousey is even offering to “double-leg” the Governor while she’s there in the islands.