Tag Archives: Satire

Strip Club Shooter Can’t Figure Out How He Missed Targets

HONOLULU — The suspect in a shooting incident at Club Hot Ash in Aiea found himself dazed and confused after missing his intended targets.

Chris Hong was overheard by police officers as saying, “I cannot believe I didn’t hit any of them! They was right in front of me $#*@!”.

Samson Anzai (left) and Chris Hong (right) (Image: Honolulu Police Department)

Police records show Hong and 34-year-old Samson Anzai got into a fight with another group outside of the strip club on July 10.

Hong allegedly pulled out a gun, because he apparently has no fighting skills, and fired several shots and missed all 28 shots.

Police caught up to the suspects at Ka Makana Alii Mall in Kapolei after a high speed chase.

Hong is currently in police custody at The Hawaii Eye Clinic for obvious reasons.

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Trump Calls Out Hawaii Governor: ‘We Can Meet Up’

WASHINGTON — President Trump had some fiery words for the Governor of Hawaii, David Ige today in response to the democrat’s handling of the situation brewing in Hawaii concerning the building of a thirty meter telescope, often refered to as TMT.

The president took to Twitter to call out the confused governor tweeting:

“If I was in Hawaii I would go up to the Mauna and stand with the Hawaiian people! David Ige showing how weak he is by not showing up! What do they need the telescopes for anyway??? They’ve been mastering the stars for CENTURIES! Hey Kermit, we can meet up and BANG anytime. Meet up at Uncle Mikey’s parking lot, if it’s still there”.

The tweet has since been deleted and Governor Ige has not responded, something he is quite known for.

Keep up to date with more of your favorite fake news from Hawaii at http://www.themassivemango.com

And yes, we’re back! =)

Ex USC Coach To Be Hired By McKinley Tigers

HONOLULU, OAHU, HI — McKinley High School insiders say former disgraced University of Southern California coach, Steve Sarkisian, will be hired as their new junior varsity and varsity football team’s head coach for the coming 2016 season.

“We are looking forward to an amazing turnaround season with this experienced and proven winner,” said Hope Weakenwin, who is head of the Tigers Moms For A Better Ball Club Association. “We have interviewed a few candidates and (Sarkisian) was our best pick.”

With the latest hiring of ex University of Hawaii head coach June Jones to Kapolei last week, this comes as an interesting situation in Hawaii high school sports.

“We figured if they can do it, we can do it”, said a source close to the administration. “Plus all he wanted as compensation was two cases of beer and a bottle of Jack Daniels per week, what a great deal!”

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In 2015, Sarkisian was at the center of a scandal involving use of alcohol and being intoxicated while coaching. He had also been in an incident where he mixed alcohol with medication before a booster event and made a drunken and profanity-laced speech at the event.

Sarkisian assures us that, “Those days are definitely behind me and I’m ready to get this program in tip top form for the upcoming season.”

The Tigers forfeited their last two games last season due to a dwindling roster, going winless and averaging just 2 points on offense and giving up 45 points per game on defense.

McKinley will be participating in the OIA’s Division II for the 2016 and 2017 football seasons.

The Obamas Drink And Cruise Up At Tantalus Lookout

HONOLULU, HAWAII — The President and first lady were seen Tuesday night having drinks and playing loud music through their SUV up at a popular lookout point in Honolulu.

Witnesses say they had a large entourage up at Tantalus Lookout dancing and partying like they were in college. “President Obama and his wife were acting like they were in a club or something”, said Paul Smiyabru, a resident of Tantalus Drive, he continued “we even seen him throwing up what appeared to be gang signs and yelling out ‘WESTSIDE’ at the top of his lungs.”

Another witness, who wanted to remain anonymous said the president was playing 50 Cent’s ‘In Da Club’ on repeat for an entire hour before letting Michelle control the music. “Michele played more old school music which was cool with us” said another resident.

Police were called at around 11PM responding to a disturbing the peace complaint. HPD say when they arrived at the lookout the Obamas were already gone, and left behind four empty Old English 800 bottles. Police say they are not going to pursue this matter any further because he is the quote: “Top dawg in our country and no one got hurt”.

The Obamas are here in Hawaii for their annual Christmas vacation.

Yellow Section Of Aloha Stadium To Be Removed

HALAWA, OAHU, HAWAII — The state and UH say they will eliminate the entire yellow sections of the Aloha Stadium starting January 2016.

The decision comes after record low attendance during the 2015 football season.

“It was a really sad sight to see the stadium so empty this year”, says Don Kendonets, VP of public relations. He continued, “We had an emergency meeting and came up with the only feasible solution.”

That solution according to Kendonets, is to have the top level seating areas removed during the off season, to make the stadium look more populated during UH football games.

“I think that’s an awesome idea” said Ikaika Gouveia of Ewa Beach, “At least now on TV going look like get choke people!” Juan Mobere of Kaneohe disagrees by adding, “Really? How da heck they gonna do that?”

Officials say they are going with demolition specialists to start the tedious work of removing the section by the start of the 2016 football season.

The work will eliminate 22,000 seats and the need to keep seats oiled and maintained, saving the state 6.2 Million dollars for the coming year.

Kendonets concludes by saying, “This is going to be awesome for new coach Nick Rolovich, to have his team play in front of a packed house.”

Hawaii Truck Drivers Score Lowest In Reading

KALAELOA, OAHU, HAWAII — Test results are out today revealing that truck drivers in Hawaii scored the absolute lowest in mandatory reading exams handed out by the state earlier this year.

“Out of all occupations tested, truck drivers accounted for sixty-six percent of all F grades” said Reed Daly of the Department of Adult Education, “Many of (truck drivers) had a very hard time with words like ‘the’, ‘I’ and ‘a’.”

“It was pretty hilarious because these are the very people that need to have sharp reading skills on the highways and freeways”, said head examiner Joe King, “being they would have to be able to read signs, warnings and more!”

Officials said they will be re-tested at a later date as soon as they can figure out a day where truck drivers will be the only people allowed on roads during test times.

King concluded by saying, “Safety is our primary concern on the day of their re-tests.”

Photo credit: James Abella Tio

North Shore Shrimp Trucks To Sue Customers Who Tagged Their Vehicles

HALE’IWA, OAHU, HAWAII — Shrimp truck owners voted unanimously to press charges and sue past and present customers who have tagged/wrote on their vehicles with permanent markers, citing, “at first it was somewhat of a novelty thing to do, but now it’s just getting down right out of hand” said one business owner who wanted to remain anonymous.

“The graffiti and writing is not only an eyesore, but it could also be a reason we are seeing a decline in customers” he continued, “We are going forward with suing these people so we can make up for losses.”

The business group said they have over 1 million names written on their trucks and are hiring forensic scientists to track down said vandals.

“It’s gonna cost us a few hundred thousand dollars, but the settlements will be very lucrative” said Aina Buhleedis, owner of Aina’s Scrimp and Cereal Truck. She also added, “We are happy to announce that we have also teamed up with the nation’s top handwriting analysts.”

The owners suggest that if you have written on their trucks in the past, that you have a 30 day grace period from today to scrub and/or erase your name(s) or you can send them a check or money order for $5.45 if you are in Hawaii, or $7.25 if you are out of state.